The past couple days have really sucked.

Life is so good...until it isn't...and then you have to find the good...even when life just...


As I sit here listening to my tunes, thinking back on this week, on the day before yesterday and the things that have come about, all I can do is just that...


Once upon a time, I had everything figured out. Anyone who knows me can probably attest to the fact that I am someone who appreciates having control. 

(Some might even say that I am just flat out controlling...a select few are even brave enough to look me in the eyes and tell me straight up..."You're Bossy.")

And who I am to disagree? Sure, it stung the first few times...but now? I can't even try to deny it...because I know. I am controlling, I'm bossy...that's who I am. It's what I do...I boss. I plan. I'm a planner, a doer...

I don't sit. I don't nothing...

I do. I go. I make things happen.

Which is why this week has been so difficult for me. Because in the past few days, things have changed for our little family. It's all sort of up in the air right now. We don't even know what's up, what's down, what's going on all I'd appreciate it if you know...don't ask. [[I know you mean well...and we love you for that...but it's easier this way.]] We'll fill you in when the time is right. I mean, I didn't really even want anyone to know that anything was amiss in our lives, but when I promised myself that I would write when I felt like writing, that I would be honest from this point on, open with myself and my readers, I wasn't kidding around. 

This is my life. The ups, the downs and the all arounds.

This is my heart.

This is me.


As a controlling person, someone who thrives in a world of labels, order and schedules...when life turns down a road unplanned, leaving me sitting on the sidelines, watching people I love deal with things I cannot change, I end up overwhelmed. I stress. I worry. I'm a worrier, after all. It's also what I do.

[[I also cry. A lot. At everything. But I like to think I'm not the only one...]]

I shared this on my Facebook page last night, at the end of one of the longest days of my life. I took this picture, wanting to remember the peace I felt in my heart at that very moment. Wanting to always remember the prayers of my heart, the thoughts in my mind and the relief that took over my entire body. 

Whenever I write, I try to write from my heart. I want to reach out, to help my friends, family, readers understand how I feel so much that they might feel it with me, and last night I wrote from a place of thankfulness, of peace and of humility. It is so fitting to post those words with this picture that I'm just going to share them again...

"Today I was reminded that no matter what I'm feeling, no matter my fears or even my reality...God is big. 
Prayer works. Love heals and storms pass.

Today, after hours of sitting in our garage, resting my heart in the calm of a summer storm, I prayed. 
I listened. I waited. God heard me and I am so thankful.

I am so thankful that this day is done and that no matter what happens in this life, God is always in control. 
It is truly the greatest relief and blessing."

There is truly nothing greater than the relief to be found in handing over our burdens, letting go of the control and trusting that everything will be ok. It is hard, it is scary and it isn't a choice I make lightly, easily or without a good tantrum...or two. Choosing to set aside the things that make me who I am, my comfort in control, the appearance of perfection [[I admit it, peeps...I like to think that my family is perfect. I like the idea of perfection in every aspect of my life...ironically, it's one of my greatest faults.]] in order to allow God to take over, to allow His plan to unfold, for His grace to flood my is the most difficult thing for me. 

It's usually when I am backed into a corner, knocked to my knees with a sucker punch I never could have seen coming, that I finally admit that I am not strong enough...that I need help.

It's when I have no other options but to string up my pride along with my white flag, waving it around for all to see, when I am finally willing to say that I just...can' it.

It's when I have exhausted all of my other options, when I have nowhere else to turn...when I have said all there is to say, heard all there is to hear and cried all of the tears that I ever did have...

...that is when I finally give up.

That is when I say...

Ok, God...fix this. Fix me. I need you.

Take this from me...I'm failing.

Hear my's breaking.

Love me. Forgive me.

Help me.

And that is when I say...

Ok, friends...pray for me.

I love you. I need you.

Remember me and my family today, this week and next.


<3 Allison.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 13, 2014. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response.

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