It's a beautiful, sunshiny Tuesday here in Virginia. My kid and his cousins are sitting in their 'quiet time', which really just means that I make them clean up their toys, pick out a bed in their room and they stay there. I don't even care what they do. As long as they are quiet...and stationary. For two hours.
TWO HOURS.
Unreasonable, you say? No, you don't.
You nod. You give me an, "Amen".
You 'clink' my glass and give me a 'cheers'.
You don't judge. Because you know.
[[...and if you do judge, it's ok. I've been there. I was a perfect parent once...and then my son was born.]]
[[...and if you're still a perfect parent, long after your cherub's birth...God bless you. You've done what I cannot. Forgive me for my faults...or you know...'clink' anyway? We're all just doing our best here, right?]]
You know that these next two hours are the only reason why my Son still lives...the ONLY reason why he lives and he loves and he knows that I love him. Because, try as I might, I am nowhere near perfect.
And my Son (bless his sweet little heart) is annoying. Often.
And these two hours are just for me.
[[ I really want to say, "b*tches", after that...because I like to be funny, and that would make me laugh. But it's probably also inappropriate. Especially since 90% of any readers I might have are devout Christians...and though I am a Christ follower and I'm pretty sure He never said 'b*itches' in His time here on Earth, and probably frowns upon me even considering saying it, I still think it's funny.
But this time I will just keep it to myself, because I'm not sure I'm ready to admit to everyone, everywhere that I say 'b*tch' sometimes...
...but I digress...]]
This morning I woke up feeling like I needed to write about something that is very important to me, but I wasn't quite sure how to go about it. I've written and re-written this so many times, in every single way that anyone possibly could ever even attempt to do. So many times, in fact, that I almost gave up.
But I can't do that. Not this time. This is my 2 hours, this is my thing, this is my time.
So buckle up, because here we go.
As I've been living life these past five years, a wife to a Navy man, I've lived in a few places and seen a lot of things. I've met many people and made a handful of friends. We've been given so many opportunities that we never would have had, had we chosen to pass up this military life. Yeah, yeah...I'm thankful, I'm blessed...really, I am. I say it all the time, because it's true and I'm being honest...and I don't ever want to even for a second forget just how fortunate I am, and have been. But sometimes, I'm not super excited about the bits and pieces that go along with the blessings, the places, the people...the friends.
........the friends.
A long time ago, when we made our first move to South Carolina, I left behind everything comfortable. I left behind my friends, my family, my life. My husband and I said goodbye, we loaded up our moving truck with our few possessions and we never looked back. We couldn't...we had no choice. We had to go, we had to leave. And I was excited! I was nervous, terrified and sad...but I was excited. I was ready. We had so much in front of us, so many new things to discover, to see and to experience.
I saw our future and it was BEAUTIFUL.
And it has been beautiful.
And it has been hard.
Along the way, we have met SO MANY people. We have had to open ourselves up, learn how to begin new friendships, how to accept people for who they are, sometimes setting aside our own judgments, preferences and opinions just to avoid feeling lonely. Even now we are still learning...sometimes it works, sometimes it clicks and sometimes friendships have come around so easily and run so smoothly you just KNOW it will last a lifetime. And sometimes, it's just too much work. Sometimes it's nobody's fault and it just wasn't meant to be.
They were your person...until they just weren't, anymore.
It happens.
Distance happens.
Moves happen.
Goodbyes happen.
And then...
Your friends move on. They find new friends. They have birthdays, parties, cookouts..they have babies and more babies...they buy cars, they get new pets, new furniture, new coffee spots. New hangouts, new drink specials...new news. Their families grow, change and leave.
Deployments happen.
Enlistments.
Bonuses.
Deaths.
Sh*t happens.
[[...sometimes I say that.]]
This is life, right? This is how it goes. This is the military. We chose this. Yeah, yeah...I know. Thanks for the reminder. But...
What if I don't want to leave?
What if I'm not ok with my person not being my person anymore?
What if it kills me to see my friends leave, move on, move forward...without me...?
What if that deployment crushes me just as much as it crushes them, but instead of showing up on their doorstep, like I wish I could do, I have to watch through Facebook pictures as their new neighbor brings over a bottle of wine and a movie to lift their spirits...what do I do? What can I do?
Or what if another friendship is so necessary to my stability while my husband is gone, serving HIS deployment, that when distance takes it's toll, when my life becomes irrelevant to theirs...I almost lose it...
...mentally...emotionally...
...in every single way...just...lose it...?
What if my friends all move away, leaving me to sift through the struggles of deployment...on my own, in a new place, with a toddler and a hurricane or two...?
What happens when my heart is so broken, so torn...when so many pieces of my heart are in so many places all over this big, beautiful country that I can't hardly keep track of them all?
I know, I know...that's a lot of What If's...
It's a lot of questions, a lot of hurt, a lot of learning...
But it's necessary, it's reality...and it's all good.
There have been so many friendships that have been so important in my life. So many people who have given me parts of their lives, in years, minutes, hours, moments. They have given me lessons, blessings, prayers and advice. I've learned how to love, how to forgive, how to accept and move on.
I've learned that sometimes, I'm not meant to be that person with the bottle of wine on the front porch. Sure, I definitely want to be there. I want to be the only one that my friend needs. But maybe my friend has bigger, better things that need to happen in their life. Maybe the neighbor on the porch needs that girl just as much as I do. Maybe my pal is there to be their savior...and maybe they are there just to be a shoulder to cry on.
I've learned that I'm selfish. Sharing is hard for me.
I've learned that sometimes, being relevant in someone's life depends on what you bring to the table. Sometimes people only need you for your talents, for your advice, for your outlook. Sometimes you're there just to help them move forward. Sometimes, you aren't their person...and sometimes, they can't or don't know how to help you. Sometimes they don't want to.
I've learned that I expect a lot, sometimes too much, from people I call friends.
I've learned that sometimes you have to almost lose it, so that your husband can save you. Sometimes you have to be at your lowest low so that you can recognize your highest high.
I've learned that sometimes it's important to know how to stand on my own two feet, especially when there are little feet standing beside me. Sometimes a girl just needs to know how to handle a hurricane...or two.
I've learned that I am strong. I am smart. I am independent.
And most importantly...
I've learned that no matter how many pieces there may be, my heart will always be one. It will always be steady, strong and full. I have learned that no matter how far these pieces may travel, the love will always be the same, never changing, always there.
I've learned that I have a big heart.
I've learned that I have come a long way, grown so much and that I have a long way to go.
I have had so many friends, and I am thankful for them...even those that have long gone. I have so many friends now and I love them. I am so thankful for them, for their love and for their friendship.
I'm so thankful that even when I get caught up in my life, in my struggles, in my worries, that I always have friends to love me, support me and listen to me. I am so thankful that even as I have seen people come and go from my life, the people who truly care, those that really get me and are willing to look past all of my weirdness, awkwardness and occasional curse words are still here for me.
Thank you, friends. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for keeping me around, even when I forget to send you your gifts, your packages and your cards. Thank you for remembering my birthday and my kids' birthdays. Thank you for your patience when I promise to skype and it's cut short by my wiggly baby or my noisy Boy. Thank you for making sure to get our new address every time we move.
Thank you for being my friend.
I love you.
Also...
...I made this.
-Allison <3
