That One Road.

Have you ever hit a point in your life where you sat and thought...

"What the hell am I doing?"

I hadn't...not really...not that I can remember, anyway.

Until today.

Today I went to the local burger place, waited for freaking ever for a grilled cheese sandwich dinner and then went on my way to deliver dinner to my husband in a field somewhere between here and nowhere. I made my way out to a road I've been down more than a few times before and drove a lot faster than I should have, just to feel the butterflies as I passed over a few hills. I kept my eyes on the horizon, looking for the cellars that Harold would be at, waiting to get his dinner before making another pass through the potato field.

After waiting for a few minutes for him to get a quick break, we had made our trade: kisses for food and hugs for more kisses. He kissed his Baby Girl goodbye, went back to work and Taylor and I were on our way...back down the road, back to town...back to waiting for him to be done...

...and that's when it happened...

Somewhere between the second hill and the end of the gravel, my butterflies turned on me.

The fun fluttering was gone...and where was I? Driving down a road that I had been on more than a few times before, being passed by a tractor while my Baby Girl stared at me in the rear-view mirror. I pulled over as she held my gaze, her big blue eyes giving me a curious look. I stopped the car and looked away, watching the tractor slowly make its way over the next hill. 

"What the hell am I doing?"

My stomach started to turn, what had felt like butterflies before began to swell into a slow, heavy hurt. How did I get here? The hurt, the heaviness, formed a knot in my throat, making it harder to breathe.


I tried breathing through the sudden sadness and frustration that had taken over as tears began to well.

"Is this even right? Is this even where we are supposed to be? After 5 years of sacrifice, 5 years of hard work...of focus...5 years of budgeting, of planning, of this REALLY what God had in store for us!?"

The tears were streaming down my cheeks as the questions ran through my mind.

"Patience...I need to have patience...should I even be questioning what's going on here? Is this some kind of test, some kind of thing where I stay strong, where I look for the opportunity to learn? Where did my life go? I thought I was learning plenty! I struggled with patience as it was, and now...what in the world am I supposed to do now?!"

My head ached and my chest hurt as the tears fell and my mind raced. Where did this even come from? Was I really crying into my steering wheel? Ugh...

"Come on, you big, dumb this a Mom Car or a Baby Carriage...??"


"...maybe I've seen The Lego Movie a few too many times..."

I sat up from my steering wheel and calmed myself. I took a deep breath, and with my Little Girl's eyes still watching me, waiting for some kind of cue that all was well, I wiped my tears and gave her a smile.

After getting back on the road, heading into town, I gathered my thoughts and began to settle the heaviness of worries I had long tried to set aside. Passing fields of gold and green, I savored the comfort of autumn, of harvest. With the windows down, I welcomed a cool breeze and the smell of freshly gathered crops. It had been 10 years since I had made this same trip, taking dinner to Harold as he worked harvest. 10 years since I had driven down that road, back to town, back to waiting for him to be done.

It had been 10 years since we sat together, late night after late night, dreaming of the future we might be able to have.

10 years since we had dreamed of the life that we have now.


And that's when I realized...

"This is what I wanted. This is what I prayed for. This is what I dreamed of."


Today, as I drove my Daughter back to town in my beautiful Mom Car, passing homes of friends and familiar faces as we went...I made sure to remind myself of the blessings in my life. I took a moment to wrap my thick, selfish head around the idea that though it was in a different package, served up in a different manner than I had imagined, than I had planned...God had given me everything that I had asked for...

...and more.

Together Harold and I have a beautiful, strong and healthy marriage.

We have two incredible children who have far surpassed anything my imperfect human mind could have even dreamed of.

We are together, we are healthy and we are surrounded by love.

We are surrounded by family and friends.

5 years of sacrifice...5 years of hard work...of focus...5 years of budgeting, of planning, of dreaming...

This is what God has given us...this is what He had in store for us...

...and more.

Our story hasn't ended, we're simply changing chapters. Is this an opportunity to learn? Yes. Does it require patience? Oh heck yes. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. I know that one for sure. Because I'm selfish, I'm stubborn and I'm not a big fan of my plans not working out as I imagined they might...and God really doesn't seem to care much for my plans. 

10 years of waiting, of wondering, of dreaming...growing...learning...

We are well on our way to our happily ever after.

"...and it took just one more drive down that road I have been down more than a few times before, to realize that all of my dreams were coming true..."

Learning to be thankful, patient and kind in my everyday...


This entry was posted on Sunday, September 14, 2014. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response.

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